


isle of flightless birds

by cryystal_m00n



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Friendship, I Made Myself Cry, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, hanbin is uh... not good, he's getting better tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 06:34:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18463457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryystal_m00n/pseuds/cryystal_m00n
Summary: hanbin is surrounded by darkness, by nothing but emptiness. but he can hear their voices through the water flooding his ears. they're too far away, and he can't come back.





	1. free falling

**Author's Note:**

> i dont usually write angst so forgive the uh... badness of this thing  
> still, i hope yall gonna appreciate my attempt   
> uh, there are triggers in here, just as stated in the tags, so please, if you're triggered by drug use, dying, alcohol and depressed thoughts, dont read this, my guys!

hanbin points to the character on the screen, as the girl snorts the white powder as if it’s the last thing she’ll ever do. “fucking mood, babe!” he hears the others laugh, even junhoe letting out a small chuckle. it makes him feel better, knowing that he makes others laugh.

he snuggles closer to chanwoo, letting his head rest on his shoulder. he continues to play with the youngest’s hand, occasionally looking up at the movie still playing. the girl yells something as she throws her drink at her boyfriend, before running out of the bar. she manages to run into a shop and pick up a bottle of vodka, and that makes hanbin look up.

he knows where this is headed from his own experience and it’s not going to end prettily. still, as the girl opens the bottle, chugging it down, her eyes getting foggy and movements more sluggish than they already are, he can’t stop himself. “me too, girl, the fuck?” he says, loud enough to emit some laughter from the other demons, but still quiet enough that the unsureness can seep out.

he watches as her eyes close, the bottle falling from her hand, and before he knows it, he’s back in his room. there is darkness around him, the sound of water dripping in the bathroom and people laughing outside on the streets barely audible to his flooded ears. he can’t feel his legs and arms, but he can feel the adrenaline rushing through his body.

from the corner of his eyes, he sees the bottle of alcohol discarded on the floor, an empty syringe next to it. he tries to close his eyes, but they feel so dry he can’t. he squeezes his fist, but it shakes so much that he’s not even sure it’s closed. his whole body is shaking.

“--back, bin,” he vaguely hears donghyuk's soft voice and he wants to grasp it, to hold onto it and go back to reality, but it’s so far away and he’s falling so fast. too fast.

someone slaps him, and suddenly he’s back in the dimly lit living room, surrounded by the boys he calls his family. they all wear different expressions on their faces, and hanbin swears that behind junhoe’s bored face is a look of worry.

“who the fuck slapped me?”

in front of him, jiwon quirks an eyebrow, enough of an answer for hanbin. he shakes his head, trying to clear his mind. it works for a moment, before he catches sight of the girl now lying motionless on the ground, eyes shot open and empty.

he feels arms around him before he can register what’s going on. hanbin hears donghyuk whispering to him that it’s ok to cry, that he’s not alone, and that’s when it hits him that he’s crying. he buries his face in the elder’s neck, trying to calm his breathing down.

hanbin's arm is throbbing, the place that he used to stab with syringes on fire.

he thinks there are other’s hugging him as well, but he can’t be sure. he’s only sure of one thing, and that’s that his body hurts. it hurts and it shakes, the same way it used to do.

he feels donghyuk’s arms tightening around his shoulders, hanbin’s face smushed in the younger’s sweater. he smells like sugar and chocolate, the same thing yunhyeong moans about and it calms him down for a moment.

he’s not alone this time, he’s not nearly dying again. they may not care about him and they may all want him to disappear, but for a moment, it’s nice to pretend.

and so he does.


	2. catch me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, trigger warning for drinking, suicidal thoughts and death

two days later, hanbin finds himself watching jinhwan as he tries to beat his own record in mario card. he is too tired to actually play with him, so hanbin opted to just stay and watch as his best friend gets crushed by princess peach.

he turns over on the couch, so that he is facing jinhwan again. “jinani? can i tell you something?”

the elder quickly looks over, nodding as he does so. “always, bro!”

“lately…” he starts, his words trailing off, “i haven’t been feeling good.”

that makes jinhwan stop his game, almost throwing his controller on the other side of the room. he faces hanbin so fast, that the elder is sure he can hear jinhwan's joints cracking.

“come on, bro. talk to me. what’s got you feeling blue?” and so, hanbin starts telling his best friend about everything. about how he feels like every single day waking up is too much, how he’s struggling to even do the bare during his day. how it’s been almost two weeks since he last took a shower and he can’t even bring himself to care about how nasty he might be. how just by looking at his friends he can feel his heart ache from feeling unwanted, yet how he doesn’t want to bother anyone.

how he thought about going and doing reckless things again, how he started drinking again and how just last night he thought about going for a drive while still drunk. how he wishes he could almost feel death again but this time not wake up. he can feel himself getting lighter with each thought that he shares with jinhwan, but at the same time, a small part of himself is already telling him how he fucked up.

jinhwan leans in slowly as to not startle hanbin. he hugs the younger tightly, not saying anything. hanbin knows he’s not the best with words, so this is enough for him.

“i’m not going to tell you that i love you, though i do. hanbin, i’m very happy you trusted me enough to talk to me about how you feel. i don’t know if you want me to say this, but i’m still proud of how far you’ve come. you’re fighting everyday, hanbin and that just shows how strong you are. if you want, we can look for a professional again, ok? if you don’t, i’m here. i’ll listen to you and try to help you as much as i can. i really want you to see how amazing you are and how much you mean to us, and i promise you i will help you see that.”

hanbin nods numbly, still not finding his words. he registers jinhwan's hand still rubbing his back gently, the soft voice of his best friend that gets swallowed by the broken sobs that leave his mouth.

his body aches again and his heart feels full of sadness, but he can tell that the sadness is fading, even if it’s just a bit. for a moment, he feels proud of himself too, before allowing himself to pull jinhwan closer.

hanbin wants to get better too, if not for himself, than for his best friend. he wants to give jinhwan a reason to be proud of him every day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/cryystal_moon)   
>  [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/cryystal_moon)


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